Thursday, August 27, 2009

Tucked In Hotel Sheets

Tucked in hotel sheets really piss me off. Come on... does anybody actually leave everything tucked in when they go to sleep in a hotel bed? Of course not! No, everyone slides under the covers, attempting to leave everything tucked in, then realizes that they are uncomfortable and feel like they are being mummified, and attempt to untuck everything.

But untucking it all is never as simple as it seems. Once you are under the covers, you are essentially locked in. You have to roll around, fidget with your arms and legs, making all sorts of minute movements to loosen up the bed. I'm sure George Constanza (yes, the Seinfeld character) is not the only person who has ever injured their hamstring trying to kick out their sheets in a hotel.

(I have this vision in my mind of old science fiction or action movies, where the hero is shackled to a table with a laser beam slowly moving up towards him about to chop him in half. Of course, the hero always escapes. If the hero had been wrapped to the table by a hotel maid with standard hotel sheets... no way he escapes.)

Finally, the sheets always come undone enough for you to get to sleep. But when you wake up, the fun has only just begun. Because you realized that as you attempted to untuck the top sheet, you also untucked the bottom sheet, and you wake up rolling around on a gross, bare, uncovered mattress.

There is a very simple solution to this. Fitted bottom sheets. You know, like on a normal bed... with elastic around the corners. But nooooo... hotels feel the need to use identical pieces of cloth as top and bottom sheets. Why? Because it is easier for them to keep inventory of all their bedding if there are fewer different kinds of pieces involved. So basically, hotel managers do not consider themselves smart enough to keep track of two different kind of sheets. Seriously?? You are managing a whole god damn hotel and you can't keep different sheets straight? I don't think so.

Well screw that! And screw you big hotel companies. I want a fitted bottom sheet. I want to be able to get under the covers without pulling a muscle. I want to wake up on top of sheets, not an uncovered mattress covered in god knows what. For the amount of money that even a cheap hotel charges per night, a reasonable bed really is not that much to ask for.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Brett Favre

Brett Favre really pisses me off. Well, I guess this is sort of a two parter. Favre himself really pisses me off, and the inevitable media circus that always follows him around really pisses me off.

Favre's un-un-un-un-un-retirement is entirely infuriating. He is turning 40 years old this season, too old to be an NFL quarterback... he is older than some active NFL head coaches. The man would look more in place in a Rogaine commercial than on a football field. And while he might be one of the greatest quarterbacks ever, the fact is he really is not that good anymore. Last year he threw just as many interceptions as touchdowns. His total meltdown down the stretch was the major reason his New York Jets did not make the playoffs.

Now, the Minnesota Vikings are paying him 10-12 million dollars to take the reins of a team that already was on the brink of dominance. I'm telling you Vikings... this is a mistake. If I was an NFL executive, I would rather have Tavaris Jackson or Sage Rosenfels (the other quarterbacks on the Vikings' roster) than Brett Favre as my starting quarterback. At the end of last season, Jackson was the anti-Favre, taking over down the stretch, putting up good numbers (eight TDs to only one pick), and winning three out of four games as the Vikings rallied to make the playoffs.

If Favre had simply said all along that he wanted to keep playing, I would have no problem with him attempting to play well into old age. But every offseason, its the same story. The attention whore Favre retires, then says he might return, then says he won't return, then returns, grabbing headlines through the entire process.

Of course, the media is partially to blame for this nonsense... news outlets choose to give Favre all this attention when they really should know to just ignore him until there is actual news, not just rumors. But no, Favre is the top story, even when there is real news to report. "Tonight, on the six o'clock news, aliens land in southeastern Idaho. But first, more news on the Brett Favre front!"

Athletes all want to go out on top. And Favre had a great opportunity at the end of the 2007 season, when he put up massive numbers, led the Packers to a 13-3 record, and got them all the way to the NFC Championship Game, where they lost in overtime to the eventual Super Bowl Champion New York Giants. But Favre just could not leave the spotlight, and came back for one more round last year. And now this year, he is coming back for a second one more round.

Here is how this next one more round is going to play out. Favre will start off well, and the Vikings will have a good record at the halfway point. Then, Favre's age will catch up with him, his body will start to quit on him, and his performance will slide, as the Vikings collapse down the stretch and finish third in their division behind both the Bears and the Packers. Then at the end of the season, Favre will tearfully retire, and people will be stupid enough to believe him. And by the start of the 2010 season, after a multi-month media frenzy, Favre will make another comeback, a few people will pretend to be shocked, and most of us will just be annoyed and say "I told you so."

One more thought. Brett Favre's name really pisses me off. Why the hell is it spelled Favre? It is pronounced Farve, but spelled Favre. I must have been at least eleven years old when I finally realized that is name was, in fact, spelled Favre... I had always thought his jersey was spelled wrong and I was somehow the only one who ever noticed.

Anyway... here is, without a doubt, the awesomest highlight in Favre's career.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Car Windows That Don't Roll Down All The Way

Car windows that don't roll down all the way really piss me off. The stupid rear windows that roll down about three quarters of the way, but the last little bit still sticks up out of the door at a weird angle. They are awful! Not only have you been relegated to the back seat due to your lack of skills in calling shotgun, you can't even hang your arm out the window into the fresh air! And if you try to stick your arm out the window, you end up forcing forcing it into that awkward little spot in the back that your arm won't quite fit in... cutting off the circulation to your hand. It is not very fun.

There are two most prominent explanations for why the rear car window doesn't go down all the way. The first is in the structure of the car and the door... if you look at the rear door of many cars, the rear wheel well extends into the bottom of the door, and in fact there is not enough room for the window to roll all the way down.

This explanation actually makes some sense. But still, it bothers me. The engineers who design cars are pretty smart people (I imagine). They know how to make a two ton piece of metal that can travel upwards of 100 mph, under the control of a couple foot pedals and a steering wheel... very impressive engineering, there is no way I could do that.

You're telling me that these incredibly smart engineers can't figure out how get around the shape of the freaking wheel well?!? See, this is why car companies like GM are failing. If GM made cars with rear windows that rolled down all the way, they would never have been forced to declare bankruptcy.

The second reason the rear windows do not roll down all the way is as a safety and liability issue. Apparently, the car companies are afraid that little kids are going to climb out of the back window of a moving car. This explanation is laughable, and raises numerous issues.

First of all, aren't little kids supposed to be in child safety seats? Every state in the country has a law saying kids have to be in safety seats when they are very young (the exact age or size at which this requirement ends varies by state, but they all have something). If the kid is in a child safety seat, they probably can not escape and start trying to climb out the window.

Secondly, if the kid really, really, wants to climb out the window of the moving car, and neglectful parents forgot about the child safety seat, is the little bit of window that is sticking out actually going to stop them from escaping? It is not an electric fence, it is not topped off with barbed wire... it is a thin piece of safety glass, it is not hard to grab ahold of. If you really are worried about kids climbing out the window, you should be more careful developing car seats that are unescapable.

Thirdly, and most importantly in my mind, what kind of kid tries to climb out of the window of a moving car?!?! I mean, kids do some dumb things, but climbing out of a moving car? I don't think so. If you do have kids that are trying to climb out of the rear window, that on its own is probably the least of your problems. You should be focusing on the real issues, like, "Is my kid insane?" Or, "Do they make baby doses of Valium?" (The thought of little kids on drugs makes me laugh... does that make me a bad person?) Maybe most importantly, "Do they make straitjackets in a size XS?" Hell, maybe you should call up your friendly neighborhood exorcist to solve the baby's problem... "The power of Christ compels you... to stop being a dumbass!"

So what to do when you can't open your window all the way? I recommend driving with your doors open, clearly it gives you lots of freedom to move. Just be careful who you drive past, watch out for this guy.

Friday, August 7, 2009


Twitter really pisses me off. Beyond the fact that it is incredibly narcissistic, it is just plain stupid... nothing short of a treasure trove of mundane, useless information.

Seriously, do millions of people really think that the rest of us care about the most trivial details of their lives? (Actually, millions of people use Twitter, so I guess millions of people actually do care, which to me is incredibly depressing, and probably a sign of the impending doom of civilization)

The idea of a 140 character microblogging site is quite simply absurd. At an average of around five letters per word, that gives you about 28 words, not nearly enough for any information that any reasonable person should possibly consider giving a shit about.

I just spent some time looking through Twitter to see what people are twittering about, and I found lots of fascinating information. Apparently, deciding between chinese food and pizza is difficult. Did you know that Shaq can do anything besides make free throws!?! And apparently, Sarah Palin, Barack Obama, Dick Cheney, and Bill Clinton (among numerous others) are all the antichrist! I don't know why this is an argument, it clearly is Cheney.

I don't give a shit about your tastes in delivery food. I don't care about what you think of Shaq's abilities. And while I do care about why you think any of the aforementioned politicians are the antichrist, I do not think 140 characters is quite long enough to get your argument across.

I'm sorry, but anything that tries to be remotely intelligent, while using the abomination "gr8," deserves to be printed out and used as toilet paper, not digested as a scholarly argument. "GR8. Now you are trying to smear Sarah Palin's hairdresser! U guys r nuts," is not political rhetoric... it reads like the result of a bunch of monkeys throwing poo at a computer keyboard.

Don't people have better things to do than write multiple times a day about the most trivial events in their lives? Dear god, I actually found Twitter posts that said, word for word, "I'm on Twitter!" and "I guess I'm on twitter and shit." NO SHIT you are on Twitter... how the hell else would you be updating your f***ing twitter?!?

If you want people to know what you are thinking, or if you really do have too much time to kill and nothing better to do (like me), start a REAL blog. You know, one that does not have a character limit... one that actually requires a working brain and some thought to keep functioning.

Unless, of course, you are planning on blogging about what you might order for dinner, in which case please, for your own sake, turn off your computer and get a life (and a girlfriend / boyfriend).

Anyway, here is the Twitterized (and therefore idiotic and pointless) translation of this blog post:
"OMG, Twitter sux and ppl who use it R lame :( People who use Twitter make me ROTFL. Use ur brain and write a real blog. TTYL!"

Ugh. I hate myself now.