Thursday, August 27, 2009

Tucked In Hotel Sheets

Tucked in hotel sheets really piss me off. Come on... does anybody actually leave everything tucked in when they go to sleep in a hotel bed? Of course not! No, everyone slides under the covers, attempting to leave everything tucked in, then realizes that they are uncomfortable and feel like they are being mummified, and attempt to untuck everything.

But untucking it all is never as simple as it seems. Once you are under the covers, you are essentially locked in. You have to roll around, fidget with your arms and legs, making all sorts of minute movements to loosen up the bed. I'm sure George Constanza (yes, the Seinfeld character) is not the only person who has ever injured their hamstring trying to kick out their sheets in a hotel.

(I have this vision in my mind of old science fiction or action movies, where the hero is shackled to a table with a laser beam slowly moving up towards him about to chop him in half. Of course, the hero always escapes. If the hero had been wrapped to the table by a hotel maid with standard hotel sheets... no way he escapes.)

Finally, the sheets always come undone enough for you to get to sleep. But when you wake up, the fun has only just begun. Because you realized that as you attempted to untuck the top sheet, you also untucked the bottom sheet, and you wake up rolling around on a gross, bare, uncovered mattress.

There is a very simple solution to this. Fitted bottom sheets. You know, like on a normal bed... with elastic around the corners. But nooooo... hotels feel the need to use identical pieces of cloth as top and bottom sheets. Why? Because it is easier for them to keep inventory of all their bedding if there are fewer different kinds of pieces involved. So basically, hotel managers do not consider themselves smart enough to keep track of two different kind of sheets. Seriously?? You are managing a whole god damn hotel and you can't keep different sheets straight? I don't think so.

Well screw that! And screw you big hotel companies. I want a fitted bottom sheet. I want to be able to get under the covers without pulling a muscle. I want to wake up on top of sheets, not an uncovered mattress covered in god knows what. For the amount of money that even a cheap hotel charges per night, a reasonable bed really is not that much to ask for.

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