Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Celebrity Baby Names

Celebrity baby names really piss me off. Okay, not all celebrity baby names... just the really, really weird ones. You know, the ones that ensure the children will be picked on during their entire childhoods, and will lead to a lifetime of being made fun of by, well, by people like me.

Seriously, I know celebrities in general assume they are better than the rest of us, but what the hell gives them the audacity to name their kids after fruits, countries, or simply bizarre made up words? Like Apple, daughter of Coldplay's Chris Martin and actress Gwyneth Paltrow. Although... Apple Martin is very similar to Apple Martini, which means she could have the nickname Appletini, which is actually really sweet.

Or how about Frank Zappa, who had the brilliant idea of naming his four children Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet Emuukha Rodan, and Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen. Or Ireland, daughter of Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger. Dear lord, celebrity baby names get as bizarre as Rocket, Sage Moonblood, Blue Angel, Camera, or Jaz (not a typo... it is Jaz with one 'Z').

My personal favorite, however, would have to be the ten children of boxer George Foreman. They start off relatively normal, with four daughters Natalie, Michi, Leona, and Freeda. Next comes five boys... George Edward Foreman Junior, followed by George Edward Foreman III-VI. Last is his youngest daughter... Georgetta. Maybe this is what happens when you take too many knocks to the head, you lose your ability to be creative and end up naming all your kids after yourself.

There as many George Foremans as Rockys! If only we could organize a team boxing match... George Foreman I-VI vs. Rocky I-VI. How awesome would that be! I wonder who would win.

In all honesty... this is beyond ridiculous. There needs to be a law against giving your kids ludicrous names. People may say that first amendment rights to freedom of speech protect the right to name your kids whatever you want. I say eighth amendment rights against cruel and unusual punishment should ban the same thing. If anybody, celebrity or not, ever decides that it is a good idea to name their son Pilot Inspektor... a judge needs to step in, tell the parents they are idiots, and name the kid Steve. End of story.

For more obscenely cruel names, check out this list of the ten worst (by worst, I mean funniest) names given to former and current professional athletes.

No comments:

Post a Comment